Storytelling and metaphor are powerful tools in coaching, but there is another tool that may be even more fundamental.
Questions.
The questions we ask ourselves and the questions we ask our clients shape what we notice, how we feel, and the choices we make next.
In fact, one of the most useful ideas I learned early in my career is this:
Your brain is a question-answering device.
Ask a question and your mind immediately begins searching for an answer.
That simple fact has enormous implications for coaching and personal growth.
Because if you ask better questions, you get better answers.
And better answers often lead to better lives.
Why Questions Are So Powerful
Human attention is limited.
At any given moment there are millions of pieces of information entering our senses — sights, sounds, sensations, thoughts.
But we only focus on a tiny portion of that information.
Questions determine where that focus goes.
If you ask yourself:
“Why does this always happen to me?”
Your brain begins searching for proof that the question is true.
It finds examples, memories, and reasons.
Soon the problem feels even larger than it did before.
But if you ask a different question, something interesting happens.
Ask instead:
“What’s good about this situation?”
Now your brain searches for possibility.
Ask:
“What can I learn from this?”
Now your brain searches for growth.
The situation hasn’t changed, but your focus has.
And when your focus changes, your emotional state changes.
The Coaching Insight: Focus Determines State
Tony Robbins often taught that state is influenced by two things:
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Physiology
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Focus
We can change our physiology through breathing, posture, and movement.
But we can also change our state by changing what we focus on.
And one of the easiest ways to direct focus is through questions.
Why Questions Work Better Than Affirmations
Many people try to change their mindset through affirmations.
They repeat phrases like:
“I am happy.”
“I am confident.”
“I am successful.”
For some people this works.
For others it doesn’t.
The reason is simple.
If the brain doesn’t believe the statement, it resists.
Questions work differently.
Instead of forcing a belief, a question invites exploration.
If you ask:
“What am I happy about in my life right now?”
Your brain begins searching for real evidence.
And when it finds it, the feeling follows naturally.
Tony Robbins’ Morning Questions
Years ago Tony Robbins introduced a powerful practice called Morning Questions.
The idea is simple.
Instead of starting the day reacting to circumstances, you deliberately direct your focus.
A simple example looks like this.
Question 1
What am I happy about in my life right now?
Question 2
Why does that make me happy?
Question 3
How does it make me feel?
This three-step sequence does something interesting.
First, it identifies something positive.
Then it expands the meaning.
Finally, it brings the emotion fully into awareness.
It turns a simple thought into a real experience.
Expanding Positive Emotional States
Once you begin asking these questions, you can repeat them with different emotional states.
For example:
Pride Questions
What am I proud of right now?
Why does it make me proud?
How does that make me feel?
Gratitude Questions
What am I grateful for right now?
Why am I grateful for it?
How does it make me feel?
Excitement Questions
What am I excited about?
Why does it excite me?
How does it make me feel?
When practiced regularly, this process trains the brain to look for positive evidence in daily life.
The Problem-Solving Questions
While morning questions help shape emotional state, there is another set of questions that I use even more often.
These are what Tony Robbins called problem-solving questions.
They are incredibly useful whenever something goes wrong.
Instead of reacting emotionally, these questions redirect attention toward possibility.
Question 1: What’s Great About This Problem?
Every challenge contains information, opportunity, or practice.
By asking this question, you force the brain to look for it.
Question 2: What’s Not Perfect Yet?
The word yet is important.
It implies improvement is possible.
The situation may not be perfect now, but it can evolve.
Question 3: What Am I Willing to Do to Make It the Way I Want It?
This question shifts attention toward action.
Instead of blaming circumstances, you look for steps you can take.
Question 4: What Am I Willing to Not Do to Make It the Way I Want It?
Sometimes progress requires removing old behaviors.
This question encourages you to stop patterns that no longer serve you.
Question 5: How Can I Enjoy the Process?
This may be the most powerful question of all.
Because even difficult work becomes sustainable when we learn to enjoy the process.
Sometimes the answer is simple.
You might listen to music.
Turn the challenge into a game.
Or treat the experience as practice.
But the moment you ask the question, your brain begins searching for ways to make the journey more enjoyable.
How Questions Change Coaching Conversations
For coaches, questions are one of the most powerful tools we have.
Advice creates resistance.
But questions create discovery.
Instead of telling a client what to do, we help them explore their own answers.
For example:
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What story are you telling yourself about this situation?
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Who are you being in this experience?
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What could this situation be teaching you?
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What would the best version of you do here?
When clients discover their own answers, the insight belongs to them.
And insights that people discover for themselves tend to last.
The Bottom Line: Better Questions Create Better Lives
Every day we are asking ourselves questions.
Most of the time we don’t even realize it.
But those questions quietly shape what we notice, how we interpret events, and how we feel.
When we become intentional about the questions we ask, we gain influence over our focus.
When we change our focus, we change our emotional state.
And when we change our state, we change our choices.
Sometimes transformation begins with nothing more than a better question.
About the Essential Coaching Skills Podcast
The Essential Coaching Skills Podcast explores practical tools for coaches, leaders, and personal development practitioners.
Doug O’Brien shares insights from decades of experience in coaching, NLP, Ericksonian hypnosis, and transformational training.
New episodes explore powerful techniques for helping clients shift perspective, manage emotional state, and create meaningful change.
If you’re interested in coaching, NLP, or simply learning how to manage your state a little more effectively, I think you’ll enjoy it.
COACH'S CORNER
Stories - sometimes Jokes - you can use
Meaningful, metaphorical stories can be golden for a working coach. Here you will find many useful examples.
The Story of White Out
Bette Graham hoped to be an artist, but circumstances led her into secretarial work. Bette, however, was not an accurate typist. Fortunately, she recalled that artists could correct their mistakes by painting over them with gesso, so she invented a quick drying "paint" to cover her typing mistakes. Bette first prepared the secret formula in her kitchen using a hand mixer, and her young son helped to pour the mixture into little bottles. In 1980, the Liquid Paper Corporation, which Bette Graham built, was sold for over $47 million
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